Death at 4 AM (tweets about #Her)

This is my baby, her name is Adriana. She’s my best friend, my baby girl, my everything. And she’s about to become real relevant.

I woke up this morning at 3:55 AM. I couldn’t go back to sleep, so like I always do, I hopped on Twitter and started tweeting. It was in the middle of third shift and the guys were having a conversation about movies.. I think. I don’t really pay attention a lot of the times cause I assume it’s basketball talk. I started talking back and forth with a couple of people and one of my followers asked me “How are you doing after the accident?” and it all went downhill from there.

I haven’t really been asked that question. People have assumed that I’m okay after the accident because they see me tweeting and going on vacations.. But what these people are seeing is not even half of what is real.

So, in the midst of the lighthearted conversation, I pretty much let out everything I’ve been keeping inside for the past week – since my best friend was almost taken from me at the hands of a drunk driver.

 

 

“I’m about to drop some real depressing shit on your TL so be prepared for it ok please and thanks

26 days ago I was hit by a freight truck while I drove. This is what used to be my car.

i got pulled out of the car and was in the hospital for a couple days with bumps and bruises

18 (edit: 9 days, idk why i said 18) days ago, my best friend, my baby girl, my everything, was struck by a drunk driver on her side.

at 2:30 AM on March 17th, 2012, while I was getting back home from the club, my baby was getting rushed to the trauma center.

this is my best friend, the last living connection i have to the world after everything has fallen apart.. and i almost lost her

she broke 7 ribs and punctured a lung, has a tear in her aorta, snapped two vertebrae, her leg is broken in 3 places

her clavicle and pelvis are shattered. her left shoulder is broken and right shoulder dislocated.

and i walked out of my accident with a sore wrist and some bruises.

my baby girl is in intensive care while i walk around the city, over an accident that wasn’t even her fault

this shits really fucking with me, my bad guys

but this.. this.. no RT @It: @gems its simple. Life isnt fair. Never has been. Never will be. And you cant do shit to change that

its.. TOO much of “lifes not fair” shit I’ve been getting lately. at some point you just want a real explanation

i went to the hospital to go see her.. four days after the accident cause nobody told me.. and.. no

she’s the luckiest person in that room. sometimes you have to be close to death to realize how alive you are.

i look at her and i look at myself and think EYE should be the one clinging to life, she doesn’t deserve this shit

Adri’s the first one to make sure nobody drives drunk, has their seat belts on, uses their turn signals

we ended up in the same trauma center in the same hospital. i never thought we’d be switching places.

people had the nerve to tell me “stop crying at least she’s alive” BITCH the fact that i almost LOST her is enough reason to flip my shit

she’s gonna be okay. she won’t be able to walk or move her arms for a couple of months, and she’s still in an incubator

she broke 7 of 8 ribs. she has a chest tube to help her breathe and they’re keeping her sedated.

idk how to tell her that this shit was for a reason. as good as a person she is, she took everything for granted.

EYE took everything for granted. every opportunity i had, i didn’t give a fuck.

we were given second chances, when we really didn’t even deserve the first.

its hard as fuck to swallow that i stole someone’s second chance.

its impossible for me to be upset knowing i was blessed with one.

there are so many people who didn’t deserve to die, who have. the mother of 5, the fathers who support their families, the newborns

but that second chance was given to ME. the 19 year old smartass who doesn’t have a family to support, or shit to really worry about

what the fuck was i put on this planet for? OBVIOUSLY my story isn’t over yet cause i should’ve died that day.

and the “at least she’s alive” shit will never sit with me. because her life should never have been compromised in the first place.

over what? some dude who took one too many shots and thought he’d be okay to drive home?

i know i have a chance to do something great, i know i have a purpose, now i just gotta find out what that is.

my bad.. my timeline stopped. i didn’t mean to do all that, but this has been fuckin with me really bad since the accident.”

 

 

I saw a lot of people tweeting while I wrote about how my rant had made them start thinking about their own mortality.. And really, that’s what I set out to do.

 

This is for her when she wakes up. This is for you, before you take advantage of the fact that you can..

Thanks.

Chopped and Screwed: I Shouldn’t Be Alive

All I could think was, “I’m going to die today.”

I didn’t and I’m not sure how to feel about this.

February 29, 2012 at 12:45 PM, I lost control of everything but the wheel.

 

To get a phone call from a stranger saying, “Your daughter was in an accident,” I don’t know how I could’ve done this to my her. I don’t know how I could’ve done this to my father, to myself.  

 

A week later I get a phone call from my mother, the same woman who couldn’t drive herself to the hospital because of chest pain, “You’re lucky to be alive. You’re only here because you’re supposed to be.” She hangs up, snaps some photos of what used to be a Toyota Corolla and goes on about her day.

 

She comes home a couple hours later and I ask to see the wreckage.

I see the graduation gift I only very briefly knew.

I was as mangled as the car in the photo.

 

Trapped in a tangled web of metal and glass and all I can do is apologize. The bystander’s words turn into weapons despite what I’m hearing; “It wasn’t your fault, accidents happen, you’re alive and that’s all that matters.” 

 

I apologize for everything but what’s tangible.

 

I’m apologizing to everyone I took advantage of, the opportunities I gave up, I’m apologizing to the people who have families to support, who died when they got into an accident like mine.

 

I feel guilty for everything but what’s tangible.

 

I’m only here because I’m supposed to be. I could’ve very easily been wiped from this earth as I know it. I can’t believe I’m alive, I shouldn’t be. I am.

 

I’m not sure how to feel about this.

 

I don’t deserve to be walking, talking, breathing right now. Take back the second chance because I don’t fucking deserve it. The men and women, the children, the newborns, the ones who actually have something to live for – give it to them.  The mother who died giving birth to her firstborn, the child who died battling cancer for years, the man who got shot by a stray bullet – but it was given to me instead.

 

Me.

Really?

 

 

My reality is, I have something to live for. I have a purpose. Apparently, I have shit to do, and my time isn’t up yet. The problem? I don’t know what any of those things are.

 

It’s hard to swallow that I stole someone’s second chance.

It’s hard to wallow in my sorrow knowing I was blessed with one.

 

It’s ironic how close one has to be to death to truly feel alive.

 

I’m grateful for everything but what’s tangible.

I don’t think I’ll ever know how to feel about this.

I might be a man.

I don’t like to delve into this topic too often just because it’s very sensitive and yet, it is something that I go off on Twitter about at least once a week. Gender roles, especially gender-role identity.

My gender-role identity is something that I have been struggling with my entire life. I know what I am – a woman, a female. I have ovaries, a cervix, Fallopian tubes, a uterus, vagina, all that jazz, but that’s only half of it. I took a survey for one of my classes and the results were that I display more masculine than feminine traits. It was a silly class assignment, nothing to be taken seriously, but I was so upset. The fact that it was there, in black and white, got to me. I sat there for a good half an hour staring at the page trying to justify the results. And like a blessing from the sky, I realized…

I shouldn’t have to.

I have been absolutely terrified of accepting what I am, only because my entire life, I’ve been told that what I am, is wrong.

Before I am a woman, I am a person with a heartbeat, a brain, and blood coursing through my veins. Before I am a woman, I am a person with beliefs, morals, values, expectations, motivations, disappointments, a heart and a soul.

I’m assertive, fluent in profanities, horny, driven, motivated, horny, all of which are “masculine” traits. I’m loving, caring, nurturing, protective, at times I’m even, dare I say, meek and mild, all of which, “feminine” characteristics. This is where it gets messy. I’ve met plenty of men who are loving, caring, and nurturing, just like I’ve met women who are driven, motivated, and yes, horny. These are all great things… Until a woman is looked down upon for making too much money, until a man is looked down upon for showing his emotions. Then we’re worthless.

The society that raised me became my biggest enemy. Our biggest enemy. We’re brainwashed into believing that our genitalia defines our behavior, and if we don’t meet certain criteria, we’re trash. That’s bullshit.

I live for the day when the “think like a man” or “man up” quips, stop. Tell a little boy to “man up” when he’s crying, he’s already being taught that men aren’t supposed to show emotion. Feelings are bad, emotions are weakness, and it’s not valued. These men grow up to be the ones who can’t talk about how they feel, keep it all inside, until it gets to be too much. Tell a 16 year old girl to start “acting like a man,” and reinforce the stereotype that you’re trying to break – that women are too emotional, too vulnerable, therefore it’s not right to “think like one.” We’re keeping ourselves down, and we don’t even know it.

The reason for this piece? I’m free. After years of wondering what was wrong with me, I found everything that was right. I’m free and at peace, and I can only hope that shining some light on my struggle, can shed some light on someone else’s, maybe even yours.

-Gem.

Twenty Things.

I was in math class today and got inspired.

Twenty things that I’ve decided to embrace in order to improve my life.

Corny, but it works.

 

 

1)    Listen. Whether to others or yourself, listen. Hearing what is being said and listening to what is being said are two different things.

2)    Your instinct is right, trust it. After spending every second of every day with yourself, you know yourself better than anyone else in the universe. Have faith in your little voice – give it the floor, a chance, and eventually a microphone.

3)    Boundaries, coworkers =/= friends.

4)    Keep negative thoughts about others to yourself. It all comes back around in one way or another. Don’t burn bridges; you never know if you’ll need to cross them someday.

5)    Wake up and SMILE. Realize that there are others who wish they had your problems.

6)    You are in control of your own happiness. You have two arms, two legs, a heartbeat and a brain, you can get yourself out of a rut, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

7)    When it comes to criticism, listen and digest. Stop letting your ego inhibit your progress.

8)    Negative thoughts are going to occur, acknowledge them and give them only enough energy to get them out.

9)    The past is in the past. You cannot control what has already happened, only what will.

10)  Learn to let go. Certain things, jobs, people, etc. were only meant to pass through and not plant roots. Don’t overstay your welcome, and don’t allow things to overstay theirs.

11)  If it’s not healthy – emotionally, mentally, or physically – stop. It might feel great today, but will it tomorrow? What about two years from now? Everything in moderation.

12)  Manage time wisely. A big complaint is that people are too tired. Why? Cause they go to bed at 1 AM. Once you begin to manage your time effectively, you’ll get more done in the day and be on track to reach your goals. Give yourself a reason to be exhausted.

13)  Stay on top of your money. Sit down, add up the bills, and prioritize. You can put off getting the car detailed or buying the new flat screen if the rent is due. Think, where are you going to put the flat screen if you get evicted? Right.

14)  Offer assistance to those who you feel could use it, if they say no, back off and let them know you’re still there. People won’t change unless they want to, and barking at a deaf dog is exhausting.

15) It’s okay to outgrow people. It’s okay to let people out of your life if they aren’t helping you progress. It’s not about selfishness, it’s about taking care of the one person you know will never leave – you.

16) The energy you give is the energy you receive. Emotions are energy. There’s always the one person who lights up the room when they walk in. Positive emotions = positive energy.

17) Speaking in the heat of the moment can get you in trouble. Be careful. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

18) You’re human. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Just remember that after the first time, it’s not longer a mistake, but a choice.

19) Remind the ones you love that you love them, sometimes they need to hear it.

20) Relax. Take a deep breath, and keep in mind that all of this is temporary.

Fruit.

Forbidden.

But
I just
can’t
face
it.

This is real.
through,
and we’ll never speak again.

I long for your affection. To open my
eyes, catch up to my
mind, and think, I have someone to be
sweet with.
You were
the reason I would roll out of bed,
go to work,
to school.
So I could be better, so I could
grow,
improve, to
become the one you would
fall
in love with. The one you would
stay
in love with.

Infatuated with your presence,
broken by your absence.
I’m not begging,
I’m not crawling,
I’m praying.

There was a reason for all of this.
You don’t understand.
You see,

You are a fantasy,
dream that
evolved into
reality.
Evolved into my reality.
Now a mere
necessity.

I didn’t want you back but I did want your soul.
The one that appreciated every
thing, said I was beauty
full of love,
perfect,
funny,
sweet. The one that
had me
sleeping easy through the evening,
painting pictures in the sunlight.
The one that wasn’t jaded by its
past,
perturbed by its
present. The spirit who had
dreams,
aspirations. The entity who only felt
love,
light, and allowed me to
let me
let go.

I was free.

Talk,
converse,
expose,
intertwine.

I was happy.

We’d fight, you’d leave,
I would beg, I would plead,
you’d stay.

We fight, I fold,
you engross
me.

Look into what used to be a heart,
sing a solemn song
Til it beats again
pulsating in rhythm
To your melody.

I was alive.

I let you
win as I
lay with you
tell you,
how gorgeous
you are.

You were
victorious when
I found out I was yours.
I found out I was yours when
I looked in the glass,
stared into my eyes
and couldn’t see myself.
Just you.

I was yours.

Protected from hundreds of miles away,
I step into their world, full with hatred and hurt
A piece of you
it clings to me. The memory of
your touch,
your kiss,
your words.
Soften every blow.

You made me
strong,
And had me
weak.
Filled me up.
Then drained
me.

I can take on the world,
As long as you aren’t in it.

I was invincible.

Our intimacy is
poetic.
Our stories they
rhyme.
Our moans
correspond.
Our dissonance,
is in sync.

We are bare,
naked.
You’re inside of me,
and we’ve never even made love.

I know that’s what I’ll miss the most.

Our paths would never have crossed,
Had we not ventured off
and
attempted a new one
for the two of us.
All this to realize,
even if the circumstances were perfect,
We could never flourish.
If I was a little bit
older,
you were a little bit
younger.
We were a little bit
closer,
and they were a little bit
not there.

Entirely too different
to sustain this relationship.

Despite the odds we get
tangled,
tripped up.
Side tracked,
distracted.

You make me feel.
Human.
Like I can.
Breathe.

If only the thread that held us together,
hadn’t become the noose around my neck.

And I thought I was invincible.

Thanksgiving.

I woke up this morning in the strangest mood. I rolled over and laid in bed for over three hours, refreshing my timeline, texting some bearded black men, and catching up on all my World Star Uncut videos that I’ve been so dutifully ignoring. For some reason, it didn’t feel as right as it usually does. This is my routine, embedded in my day – wake up and snuggle in my sheets for at least five minutes before I force myself out of bed to do whatever it is I need to do. The first tweet of the day was what I think set the mood for those next three hours.

“Happy Thanksgiving!”

Welp. Today is Thanksgiving, according to my calendar, my timeline, and the (store-bought, I don‘t care. They‘re still delicious.) pies sitting in my kitchen. Okay cool, I don’t work today… Then the question… “What are you thankful for?” I came up with some funny, well I guess to me cause nobody laughed, responses and kept it moving. Great, time for homework.

I take a break from quizzes, research papers and essay questions to check in on my favorite tweeters, when I see a friend, who I’ve helped through so much, list the people he’s thankful for.

I was not on the list.

To say I was hurt was an understatement. Yes, I was hurt over as something as superficial as a tweet. It was a slap in the face. But more than that, it was a wake up call – yes, I know you’re reading this. Yes, this is for you.

To those who give, and give, and give, and never so much as hear a “Thank you,” it’s okay to get upset. It’s okay to get fed up. It’s not selfish to want to be acknowledged. It’s only selfish if you give, and give, and give, solely for the acknowledgement. People love to be appreciated for their efforts and know that their sacrifices aren’t in vain. To those who give, it’s okay to want to take… If you don’t, you’ll find that you’ve given away so much, that you’ve started to give away yourself.

For those on the receiving end, congratulations. You’ve found someone who believes in you, who cheers for you, who pushes you, and wants nothing for you but the best. Now, say thank you. That’s it. People who stick through thick and thin like that, usually don’t want a grandiose token of gratitude; a very plain, simple, “thank you” will suffice. Maybe you don’t know how to say it, maybe it’s your pride, maybe it’s not. Maybe you don’t even really care. Doesn’t matter, take that chance, someday you will. If showing gratitude to someone who’s never given up on you makes you uncomfortable, use today as an excuse.

You never know when your biggest fan will get tired of cheering, and by the time the silence wakes you, it’ll be too late.

Happy Thanksgiving.